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Issue #021

Emotions Are Information: What 'Being Too Emotional' In Tech Actually Taught Me About Leadership

"You're too emotional for tech."

I sobbed in the Google bathroom for 7 minutes after my manager said it.

Seven. Minutes.

I counted every single one while hiding in the third-floor women's restroom, mascara running, wondering if he was right.

Maybe I didn't belong here.

Maybe tech wasn't for people who felt things.

Maybe I should just go back to playing it safe - numb, buttoned-up, robotic.

Four years later, that same manager asked me to train his team on emotional intelligence.

The irony wasn't lost on me.

But here's what actually happened in those four years: I stopped treating my emotions like a weakness and started treating them like what they actually are—data. And that shift changed everything about how I lead.

Today, I want to share what happened when I stopped apologizing for reading the room and started trusting what my body was telling me.

The Bathroom Breakdown

Because part of me wondered if he was right. Was I too emotional? Did I care too much? Was my ability to feel what was happening on my team actually a liability?

I'd spent my entire career in tech trying to be "one of the guys." Keeping my voice steady. Not crying when things got hard. Laughing at jokes that made me uncomfortable. Pretending I didn't notice when someone was struggling.

And here I was, being told it still wasn't enough.

What Changed in Four Years

Here's what I didn't know then: My emotions weren't the problem. Ignoring them was.

That tension in my chest during calibrations? It meant we were about to lose someone. Every. Single. Time.

The person we were rating as "meets expectations" while debating their "growth areas" for 20 minutes? Gone within 90 days. My gut knew before the spreadsheet did.

The uneasy feeling I got when certain executives were in the room? They were the ones who created toxic cultures that destroyed teams.

The instinct to check in on someone who seemed "fine"? They were two weeks away from burning out.

So I started an experiment: What if I treated my emotions like data?

Not the only data. But data nonetheless.

What if that knot in my stomach during a meeting wasn't weakness—it was information my brain was processing faster than my conscious mind could articulate?

I started writing things down:

• When I felt anxious before a decision

• When someone's words didn't match their energy

• When a "yes" from a team member felt hollow

• When I wanted to avoid a difficult conversation

Then I looked for patterns.

And here's what I found: My emotions were right about 80% of the time.

That team member I fought for in calibrations? She quit three weeks later. Exactly like my gut told me she would.

The project that made me anxious even though the metrics looked good? It failed spectacularly because we'd missed a critical technical dependency.

The executive who made me uncomfortable? HR investigation six months later.

My emotions weren't making me weak. They were making me effective.

The Framework: Emotions as Leadership Data

Frustration often signals: Unmet expectations, unclear boundaries, or repeated patterns.

Excitement often signals: Alignment with your strengths, potential for growth, or authentic connection.

Step 3: Cross-reference with other data 

Your emotions aren't the only data point. But they shouldn't be ignored either.

What are the metrics saying? What is the team saying? What patterns have you seen before?

The magic happens when emotional data and analytical data point in the same direction.

Step 4: Act with both courage and wisdom 

Sometimes your emotions will tell you to do something that feels risky:

• Have the difficult conversation

• Advocate for someone who's struggling

• Walk away from the "safe" choice

That's when you need courage. But you also need wisdom to act in a way that serves everyone involved.

What Happened Next

Once I started treating emotions as information rather than weakness, everything changed.

I built the highest-performing, most engaged team in our org. 100% retention. Top engagement scores. Zero drama.

How? Because I could sense when someone was struggling before they said anything. I could feel when team dynamics were shifting. I knew when someone needed more challenge or more support.

I stopped avoiding difficult conversations because my discomfort was information that something needed to be addressed.

I started trusting my read on people in interviews, which meant I hired better.

I learned to distinguish between anxiety that meant "this is risky and important" versus anxiety that meant "this isn't aligned with who I am."

And here's the wildest part: The same manager who told me I was "too emotional" started sending his team members to me for coaching on how to build trust and read their teams better.

"You have this ability to just... know when something's wrong," he said. "Can you teach my team how to do that?"

I almost laughed. Yes, I can teach them. It starts with not calling it "too emotional."

The Real Activation Point

The bathroom breakdown wasn't my Activation Point. It was the moment four years later when I realized I'd been right all along.

My Activation Point was when I decided to stop apologizing for feeling things and start trusting what I was feeling.

When I stopped trying to be "less emotional" and started being more deliberate about using emotional information alongside every other kind of data.

When I realized that the very thing I'd been told was a weakness was actually my greatest strength as a leader.

Here's what I know now:

The leaders who pretend they don't feel things aren't more objective. They're just less informed.

The teams that don't talk about emotions aren't more professional. They're just less honest.

The cultures that value "logic over feelings" aren't more effective. They're just missing half the data.

Your emotions aren't noise in the system. They're part of the signal.

And the moment you start treating them that way—with curiosity rather than judgment, as information rather than interference—everything changes.

Your Turn

Three questions for you:

1. What emotion have you been dismissing as "unprofessional" that might actually be telling you something important?

That anxiety before the meeting. That frustration with your team member. That excitement about a project that doesn't make sense on paper.

2. What pattern have you noticed in your emotional responses that you've been ignoring?

Do you always feel anxious before meetings with certain people? Does a specific type of project always make you want to procrastinate? Do you feel energized by certain kinds of work?

3. What would change if you treated your emotions as data for the next 30 days?

Not the only data. But data that deserves to be considered alongside everything else you know.

Write down your answers. Track what you notice. See what patterns emerge.

I promise you'll be surprised by how much your emotions already know.

The Bottomline

The three words I wrote in my journal after that bathroom breakdown?

"Emotions are information."

Not weakness. Not unprofessional. Not "too much."

Information.

Your team doesn't need you to be a robot. They need you to be real.

They need you to notice when something's off. To trust your gut when the metrics don't tell the whole story. To create space for people to be human in a world that keeps telling them to be machines.

How I Can Help

When you're ready, here are three ways I can support your activation journey:

1:1 Coaching: Work with me directly to navigate your Activation Point. We'll identify your core issue, develop your courage to act, and create your roadmap through The In-Between.

Keynote Speaking: Bring The Activation Point methodology to your team or conference. I help leaders recognize when they're stuck, find the courage to move, and navigate transitions with confidence.

Ask Me Anything: Join me for a live AMA (Ask Me Anything) on “The Courage to Begin Again.” Whether you’re navigating a layoff, career transition, or a new beginning by choice or circumstance, this is your space to ask questions, reset your mindset, and find the courage to move forward with clarity and confidence.

Worth Sharing

What I'm reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk—a powerful look at how our bodies process and store emotional information, often before our conscious minds catch up.

What I'm thinking about: How many leaders are missing critical information because they've been trained to ignore their emotional data. What could change if we all gave ourselves permission to feel what we're feeling?

What I'm grateful for: The readers who email me after every newsletter sharing their own Activation Point stories. You remind me why this work matters.

The Activated Leader™ Helping high-performing leaders navigate their Activation Point Every Tuesday in your inbox

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