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The Cost of Performing Gratitude
The Activated Leader #022
Lilah Jones
November 25, 2025
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Issue #022
The Cost of Performing Gratitude
Last year, a client called me from the frozen food aisle at Whole Foods.
"I'm having a panic attack," she said. "I'm buying ingredients for a dinner I don't want to host, for people I'm too exhausted to entertain, while pretending I'm grateful for the opportunity to do it all."
I could hear the freezer hum in the background. The store announcements. Her trying to catch her breath.
"Where are you right now?" I asked.
"Sitting on the floor. Between the frozen turkeys and the ice cream. Someone asked if I was okay and I said 'I'm fine' while crying."
I've had this exact call three times in my career.
Different clients. Different stores. Same breaking point.
The moment when performing gratitude finally costs more than you can afford to pay.
"You know you don't have to do this, right?" I told her. "Whatever you're doing that landed you on the floor of Whole Foods—you can choose differently."
"It's Thanksgiving. I have to." "No," I said. "You really don't."
This week, everyone's posting gratitude lists and family photos and perfectly roasted turkeys.
And I want to talk about what nobody's posting:
The cost of performing gratitude while you're actually drowning.
The most exhausted people are the ones who look like they have it all together.
And the bravest thing you can do this week isn't hosting the perfect dinner.
It's admitting you don't want to.
The Performance Trap
Holidays and leadership are the same trap. You think you have to:
And if you can't do all of that? You're failing. But what actually happens: You exhaust yourself performing while everyone around you thinks you're fine. |  |
At Google, I did this for years.
Showed up to leadership offsites with a smile. Managed a team of 40. Hit my numbers every quarter.
Behind the scenes? Complete chaos.
Reader Question of the Week
Last week I asked: What's your biggest leadership challenge right now?
The #1 answer? "Finding my voice/executive presence."
The #2 answer? "Moving from knowing to doing."
Here's what I told the 247 of you who responded:
You can't find your voice while you're performing someone else's expectations.
And you can't move from knowing to doing while you're waiting for permission.
→ Want to know the 3-step framework I use with clients to find their voice?
This week's question: What would you do differently this Thanksgiving if you stopped performing and started being present? Hit reply and tell me—I'll feature the best responses in next week's newsletter.
What Actually Happened
 | Two years ago, I was coaching a VP—let's call her Maya—right before Thanksgiving. New executive role she'd worked 8 years for. Parent in hospice. Teenager failing classes. And her family expected her to host Thanksgiving. Because she always did. "I can't do it this year," she told me. "But I don't know how to tell them." "What would happen if you just... told them the truth?" I asked. "They'd be disappointed." "And?" "And... I'd feel like I failed them." "So you'll fail yourself instead?" Silence. |
"Is it really that binary?"
"No. But right now you're acting like it is. You're choosing between disappointing them or exhausting yourself. What if there's a third option?"
She sent this text to her family:
"I can't host Thanksgiving this year. My best friend is dying, my kid is struggling, and I'm barely keeping it together. I need this holiday to rest, not perform. I love you all, and I need you to understand."
The response shocked her.
Her sister immediately offered to host. Her brother said he'd been wanting to try cooking anyway. Her mom admitted she'd been worried about Maya for months but didn't want to add to her stress.
Nobody was mad. Nobody thought she failed.
They were relieved someone finally told the truth.
Maya spent Thanksgiving that year on her couch with her husband, eating takeout Thai food, and sharing all of the good memories she’s had with her best friend.
She told me later: "It was the first time in years I actually felt grateful on Thanksgiving. Not for what I was doing. For permission to not do anything."
Maya's story is just one of 5 client transformations I share in my keynote "The Activated Leader." If your team needs help navigating transitions without burning out, let's talk.
The Framework That Actually Works:
The 4-Step Framework for Leading Without Performing
After working with hundreds of leaders through moments like Maya's, I've developed a 4-step framework that helps you stop performing and start leading from truth:
Name what you're actually feeling (not what you think you should feel)
Tell one safe person the truth (release the weight of pretending)
Make one choice that honors your truth (small choices create momentum)
Stop apologizing for your needs (your needs aren't an apology—they're information)
→ Need help applying this to your specific situation?
What This Means for You This Week
If you're reading this and thinking "This is exactly where I am right now"—good.
That means you're in the right place.
This Thanksgiving week, everyone's posting gratitude lists.
And I want you to ask a different question:
What would you be grateful for if you gave yourself permission to stop performing?
Your Move This Week
If you're reading this from the metaphorical frozen food aisle—exhausted, performing, and not sure how much longer you can keep it up—I want you to know something:
You don't have to wait until you're on the floor to make a different choice.
Here's what to do next:
If you're stuck right now:
→ Schedule a free 20-minute Activation Call to talk through what you're facing
If your team is burning out:
→ Book me to speak at your next offsite about navigating transitions without sacrificing your humanity
Can't take action today?
→ Hit reply and tell me: What would you do differently this Thanksgiving if you stopped performing?
(I read every response and will feature the best ones next week)
P.S. The first year I chose travel over hosting, I spent three hours second-guessing my decision. Now? I book my flights in July without a second thought. Small choices create momentum. Momentum creates confidence. Confidence creates bigger choices.
What's your small choice this week?
Ask Me Anything: Join me for a live AMA (Ask Me Anything) on “The Courage to Begin Again.” Whether you’re navigating a layoff, career transition, or a new beginning by choice or circumstance, this is your space to ask questions, reset your mindset, and find the courage to move forward with clarity and confidence.
Happy Thanksgiving,
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